ともだち

Mid-life Loneliness

I woke up this morning, opening my eyes and searching for my phone in the dark. 7.45am WTF?! I couldn’t sleep as I was holding my pee pretty badly and having stomach problems in the morning was so uncool. After doing whatever things that I did in the morning (which I couldn’t even remember), I crawled to the sofa in the living room and tadaaaa I decided to read a Chinese article. Man, translating it to English was a pain in the ass.

The author wrote a story about his life (assuming he’s a HE) talking about how he felt lonely as he grew older. In that article he said, as us humans grew older, we became wiser and eventually we would figure out who our true friends were. He also mentioned that when we were young, we tend to easily make friends — focusing on teenager — as we might have similar interests and other stuff. But as you grow older, we implement different kind of perspectives and views — and so we walk our own paths.

I grew up without having really really really close friends in highschool — wait, perhaps from junior high or maybe even before that — but I was cool with it. I didn’t mind not having really close friends as long as I have lunch buddy LOL. Having lunch by myself was no fun, I felt like crying. I was more like a type rather than sticking to a group, I mixed around with everyone which I’m still doing until today in Sydney. I like it. Ever since I was young, I’ve been pretty boyish. Until now, I don’t even really dress up like the typical Medan girl. They all just look so wow, pretty and glamorous. I don’t know why I’m not interested in joining their lifestyle. I don’t like branded stuff, or looking pretty bla bla bla. I guess cause I have this mindset that I haven’t reached to that level yet. I’m unemployed and I don’t want to rely on my parents’ money, or spending them just to buy stuff that I-would-rather-spend-the-money-for-epic-food. Thus it explains why I have more guy friends than girlfriends. I had no idea why but I found it really difficult to make friends with girls. So I spent my high school life hanging out with my baddie friends instead of my classmates. I also had no idea why I preferred to go and trained badminton rather than hanging out. Man, my social life… I guess, it was just easier for me to hang out with people that I was comfortable with.

Leaving Medan and studying in Sydney for three years made me realize that there are so many amazing people out there. I really make good friends with people in Sydney — uni friends, badminton friends, etc. When I looked back, I felt lonely. Somehow it made me feel like I had no one waiting for me to come back (except for my family). Well, as we grow older we become wiser. I don’t just simply make friends anymore. I make really good friends. I make friends with awesome people. Eventually, our number of friends will decrease as we get older. I don’t need many many many friends. I don’t mind having only a few friends but will last until breathe my last breath.

***

One fine hot day, I decided to say “Yes, let’s hang out!” instead of being an anti social. I knew we hadn’t seen each other for ages so I thought that it would be really good to catch up. I walked to Texas, where I saw everyone was there. In a blink, I knew I saw him. My heart skipped a beat. It was him, after three whole years, we met again.

Oh yes, everyone teased us. Looking at him in the eyes, man, it was difficult. It was pretty awkward but yeah, I gave him a smile. Having him sitting just right in front of me during lunch — cause the others made us to sit facing each other — then it got me into thinking. Ha, boy.. I would like to say this.

High school was fun. We used to have fun. You used to have a place in my heart. Ha, be proud of it. Distance that tore us apart and time that brought us back. Seeing you again, gave me a really good feeling. I was pretty happy that we could talk like normal again.

“Getting back together?” a friend asked.

I laughed. “Nope. Never.”

It doesn’t mean that I hate him or I already have someone in mind. It was good to be able to fix our friendship again but I won’t pick up on the broken pieces. Puppy love was cute and sweet and it has always been. He is always a sweet guy to me. Whenever I think back to high school, I smile. But boy, I know I’m not in love with you. Not anymore.

It feels really good meeting up with everyone again and I know I have such an awesome life. I feel really grateful for the people I have in my life. For now, I’m really looking forward to China. I can’t waiiiittttt!!!

Dear boy from the other dimension, rest assured. I’m yours.

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